Yes, you read that right. I am calling myself out as an OK parent. Not a stellar parent. Not a crappy parent. I honestly feel that I fall somewhere in the middle on the continuum of parenting. Well, the continuum created by society that we have all subscribed to. Social media, the news, our friends, family and the parents of other kids at school are all more than happy to let you know what you are doing wrong. Yeah, that sounds pretty crappy right? That’s because it is. Having other people let you know directly or indirectly how much you are failing as a parent is NOT a good feeling at all.

I think it’s important to note that not all constructive feedback on parenting is meant to be negative. Rachel Hollis tells us that we see things are WE are, not as THEY are. Meaning, that we all have a lens through which we view each situation and form an opinion or judgment about it. That being said, if you have some old baggage with your sister, you are more likely to take anything she may suggest out of love to mean something far more sinister. It’s important to take others opinions about your parenting style and ability with a grain of salt. You know your child better than anyone. That being said, it is so important to maintain an open mind about growth as a parent. The same tactics and styles of parenting do NOT work in all stages of child-rearing nor do they all work for every child.

The way we parented our second daughter was vastly different than we had parented our first. The reason for that is twofold. One, our first daughter was the guinea pig (we have openly acknowledged this to her and offered to pay for therapy! ) and we learned a lot of what NOT to do. Second, those two girls have TOTALLY different personalities and drives. TOTALLY different. Strategies that we employed successfully with Tia did NOT work with Autumn. At all. Tia was so mild mannered as a young girl. She was shy and reserved. It was important to her to evaluate the situation before engaging whether that was at the playground or cooking with Mom. I remember taking Autumn to her one year checkup. She was all over the place. She chatted with everyone and was a bit of a ham. The doctor couldn’t help but chuckle. He said “this girl’s got fire. The kind of energy to change the world. Don’t extinguish it. Guide it.” His words SCARED me to DEATH. What in the heck was he talking about?! Fire? Guide what? He referred us to a book about “spirited” children that he hoped would help us understand her expressive and assertive nature. At the time I wondered where on earth could she have inherited this? After having such an easy time parenting Tia I was so worried that I would mess up with Autumn. She was so defiant with me, more with me than her Dad. When she was about 2 or 3 I remember having this epiphany as I was battling with her about what she was going to wear. I had to figure out a way to make her think that what I want her to do is HER idea. I started by giving her more choices. I created a chart at one point for her to keep track of her outfits. She had to wear pants at least two days a week, which meant that she could wear dresses or skirts up to 5 days a week. Why would you make such a strange demand, you ask? Well, wearing tights and leggings aren’t wise choices for little girls every day of the week. Their bodies need air and space, just like boys. After talking to her pediatrician about it, the chart was the best idea we had. And it WORKED!! Once Autumn realized that SHE got to choose what days she could wear skirts or dresses she had SO much more buy in. Morning arguments were virtually non-existent because she chose her outfits the night before and would lay them out on her carpet. Complete with undies inside the tights, shoes and all.

Our third daughter was very reserved like our first daughter, but struggled with change and some sensory issues. Her feet were uncomfortable when the line on the inside of her sock didn’t line up properly. It was difficult to find shoes that weren’t “floppy.” We paid nearly $60 for a pair of magenta colored Merrell slip on sneakers for a 5 year old because nothing else felt right. She would melt down if the waist of her jeans didn’t sit right at her hips or if her sleeves were too long. Ivy, at 15 ½ is still very particular about how things are. Everything has a place. Change is difficult, including home renovations. It’s just how she processes things. Grant and I know this about her and strive to be considerate when we are making changes to our house or to vacation plans etc. It’s not as easy as saying “deal with it.” A mantra both of us likely heard countless times during our formative years. While sometimes you do need to just “deal” with the situation you are dealt, not everyone is wired the same. I think one of the most valuable things I have learned from my children that everyone really IS different. How they perceive and process situations and moments in life are not always the same, even if they are part of the same family.

Our fourth daughter is a child who is a great amalgamation of her older siblings. She is sometimes reserved like Tia. Sylvyn is also very expressive like Autumn. She is musical and artistic like her older brother Alex. And she is particular in how her clothes fit like Ivy. She has many other similarities to her siblings. But she is also her own person. And we are different now than we were when Tia was 11. We are FAR more relaxed now. We have learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t. And we are STILL learning. Sometimes things work the first time and the second, but not the third.

There doesn’t always feel as though there is rhyme or reason to parenting. And sometimes there isn’t. There isn’t a handbook. At least not one that would make sense for every parent of every child. There are some things that I try to practice and in doing so feel more confident in my ability to be the parent my child needs and deserves as well as conserve what little bit of my sanity remains:

1. Pick and choose my battles. Man this one is hard for me. I’m argumentative my nature. Or at least I used to be. I felt like I giant knot of anxiety all the time. I was always at odds with one or more of my daughters. At one point I had to finally sit back and think about why. Was it really something worth arguing over? Why did I feel like I had to “win” this? Did I really have to have the last word? Of course not. Do I still struggle with this? Absolutely. I am also a human in progress, remember?
2. Spend a few minutes every day talking to your child and looking them in the eye. This helps foster your relationship and lets them know they are important to you. I know, some of you are thinking “ONLY a few minutes?!” while others are thinking “how in the sam hill am I going to find time for that?!” Life is busy, especially in this era. 10-15 minutes chatting with your child, listening to them vent about school or their friends. Or their Honors Spanish exam. I have found that the older the kids get, the more they need to blow off steam verbally (in contrast to their younger years when I would actually go outside with Ivy and ask her to run laps around the house because she had so much energy. She developed a love for running!) and, if you listen carefully a lot of important information about their lives can be found in those everyday moments. I have found myself looking forward to those moments of being connected to one child at a time.
3. Allow them to have some space. I know it’s hard. It’s REALLY hard. But being a helicopter parent really doesn’t serve our children. Yes, I used to be that parent who requested a specific teacher every year for one of the girls and hovered over friendships and every decision she made. I made myself INSANE. And likely drove my daughter crazy, too. Allow them space, age appropriate space. Now, I’m not saying you should let them do whatever the heck they want all the time. But perhaps consider some controlled rebellion. What’s that? That is when you foster the inner rebellion that lives within each person. An example? Sure thing. Let’s say that your 12 year old son is insisting on dying his hair orange. You say “NO WAY.” There are a million reasons why you hate the idea. Ask yourself why. Why are you so against it? We are now back to choosing your battles. Allowing your child some self-expression, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to have flaming orange hair, creates feelings of value. What?! Stay with me here. Allowing your child to make certain choices, even choices that you don’t understand, gives them a sense of autonomy. It allows them to feel a sense of responsibility and some ownership of their choices. Remember Autumn and her clothing chart. That was a parenting WIN for sure! Allowing your child the space to make these sorts of decisions can go a long way to building a positive rapport with them (which during the pre-teen and teenage years can be incredibly difficult). Now, that is not to say that you should allow your child to make choices that would cause harm to themselves or someone else. Absolutely not. But allowing them the space to make some innocuous decisions can be a blessing for you both.
4. Don’t take sides. Ever. Well, mostly ever. When your daughter is venting about her BFF for the third time this week and how bossy she is or how rude she is, refrain from taking sides. I learned this the hard way, folks. In an effort to support my child I would absolutely support their stance. My big Mama heart had great difficulty stepping back from those situations where my child had walked away with hurt feelings. At some point I finally made myself step back and look at both sides. What was going on with the other kid (or kids) involved? Could there be pieces to this story that my child isn’t telling me or portraying accurately (most assuredly, yes!). It has been far more beneficial for me and my children (though they HATE it when I do it) to look at both sides of a situation. When my daughter is complaining about her friend who always abandons their friendship when she has a boyfriend, I don’t offer a judgment. I try to ask if they want a different perspective. That perspective is more likely to be a few scenarios that are potentially behind the behavior or examples of when they have displayed this same behavior and bailed on their friends for a significant other. There is much value and compassion to be found when we attempt to understand rather than judge or react. That being said, validating your child’s feelings is also important. Which can be done, without taking sides. Additionally, if you take sides but then your child makes up with their friend, it can be SUPER awkward for them to come ask you about making plans with them. Which in turn has the potential to create a barrier between you and your child. Remember friends, I learned this the hard way. I’m sure some of you have, too. I try to give myself gentle reminders not to take sides but to be as supportive as I can while I listen to my girls or anyone else for that matter.
5. Take a time out. Yes, you. Mama, Father, Caregiver. If your life is fully consumed by your children and they are the center of your world you are likely exhausted and not practicing any amount of self-care. Burnout happens here. This is where you will also find resentment, depression, anxiety and no actual clue about who you are anymore. This happens A LOT. I found myself here a few short years ago. I could tell you my name, who I was married to, who my children were and what I did for work. I couldn’t really tell you what I enjoyed doing or reading because I didn’t know. Everything that I did revolved around my children and husband. I was surprised to learn how much of myself I had lost over the years. Now, lets back up just for a minute. You DO lose some of yourself when you are a parent. In the beginning your life IS consumed by your child. However, you should still be taking time for yourself. Even just 10 minutes a day. Drink a cup of tea. Read a few pages of your new book. Something that is JUST for you. This simple act will feed your soul. This simple act gets you started. This simple act will lead more complex acts that will continue to feed your soul and lead you down the road to rediscovering yourself. Maybe you want to go back to school. Maybe you want to join the gym or a book club. Maybe you want to start a weekly girl’s night out with your fellow Mama’s. Why is this so important? Why do you HAVE to make time for yourself while they are still young? Because they are watching you. They are watching you and modeling your behavior. If you treat yourself as an afterthought you are training them to do the very same thing. Similarly, if you give them everything they want every time they want it; that is what they will learn. Our society already has enough entitled children. The world needs more well-rounded, understanding, compassionate humans. Those are the people we should focus on growing. Humans who don’t ignore their own needs but aren’t selfish jerks either. It is a balance. For SURE. But it is tangible. And it starts with US. WE model the behavior.

This is not a hard and fast list that will make you feel like a parent super-star overnight. These are just some of the things that have helped me as I have learned them over the years. Why would you pay any attention to these things if after being mindful to practice them at least some of the time, I still only consider myself an OK parent? Well, you don’t. YOU get to choose how to parent your children.  I hear other Mama’s second guessing their ability all the time.  I used to think I was the WORST mother. EVER. I had so much insecurity in my ability as a parent. But I have grown. And I have learned. I now believe I am an OK Mom. Generally, I think most of us are JUST OK. I don’t know of a human being who the VERY BEST out of all of the other parents in the world. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, even within our own households. My husband is better at keeping a level head in managing academic needs than I am (though I am striving to get better). I am better at managing social drama than he is. There are times when he takes the “lead” and times where I do. And there have been situations where we take on the situation together, combining our wits and strengths. Sometimes we call upon extended family or friends to vent or for advice or to actually step in and offer another perspective for our kids. We are all different and we excel at things that others don’t and vice versa. We rely on that proverbial village. It really DOES take a village. Be mindful of who is a part of your village and which ones you are a part of. I’m an OK parent. But I always try my best. And I’m ok with that.