Embrace the Grey

 

I noticed my first grey hair in my mid-twenties. This isn’t surprising knowing that I carried, labored and delivered three babies before my 24^th birthday. It was a single gray hair, right at my center part. I plucked it out…just as I did the several others that grew in its place. Eventually there was more than one hair….far too many to pull out. That’s when I started highlighting my hair. I have oscillated between highlighting and all over coloring my hair ever since. I tend to favor all over color in the colder winter months and highlights during the sunny warm weather.

Some people may think I’m vain for coloring my hair or that I am dreading the aging process. Those people would be wrong. I actually love the color gray. Just not on me. I really love my hair with auburn and caramel highlights. I love the way the light bounces off it in the sun. I love my hair stylist who has in turn become a very dear friend. (We have a lot of talent here in the Keene, NH area…if you are looking for a stylist lemme know! I’ll hook you up. She is BOMB!!!) I rather enjoy being 40 years old. I’m in a place in my life where my children are partially launched (two adult children still live at home, two are still under 18) and I am able to focus on doing things I enjoy and am passionate about.

In a way I have embraced the grey in my hair. It has forced me to get out there and actually make an appointment for myself rather than just my kids. It was always difficult to find the time to get myself in the chair at the salon while shuttling kids here and there. I am now more cognizant of what hair products I use. Trust me when I say I have tried almost every hair product/brand imaginable. Growing up poor with thick straight hair I learned that brands like VO5 and White Rain don’t help my hair. I have used salon products off and on over the last 22 years. Consistently for the majority of the last 2 years. It turns out, when you use the right products you DON’T have to wash your hair every day….thus using less product over time and balancing some of the cost disparity. Different types of shampoos and conditioners for all different types of hair can be found at most salons. I really like Loma (no this is not a paid advertisement…but maybe it could be?!?). My stylist uses it in her salon. It is natural, free of harmful chemicals, smells amazing and my hair looks and feels incredible. I also like Amika. My daughter, Tia, brought some home and it is a close second to Loma for me. Again, it leaves my hair looking and feeling fresh and it smells incredible.

Grey hair could be a metaphor for any situation in your life. Grey. The space between black and white. Grey. Where chaos is found. Grey. Where change resides. Grey. Full of uncertainty. Grey. Where creativity is born.

During various seasons and storms in my life I have fought hard to stay in the black or white zones. Grey felt too uncomfortable. Too vulnerable. Naked, even. In the grey someone might see me. The real me. The me that I kept only for myself. What if I stepped into the grey and they criticized? Laughed? Rebuffed my endeavor with condemnation? The thought of being center stage and facing potential ridicule made my belly drop to my feet and my hands shake and my throat close. To say it was an uncomfortable feeling is a vast understatement.

A grey area that I was forced to face in college was public speaking. Oh. My. Lanta. This was the WORST!!! I hated being the center of attention. When I was called on in class during high school (and yes, even in college), my voice would shake, my face got red and I would begin stammering. My leg would shake under my desk and my hands would begin to sweat instantly. Imagine this happening while STANDING in FRONT of EVERYONE. NO. WAY. Imagine my dismay when I was informed that Public Speaking was a REQUIRED course in college! What?! Well, I guess it’s time to pack up and move to Siberia because this downeast girl isn’t getting up and talking in front of ANYONE. As with most things that I was REQUIRED to do in life, I found an alternative way. I took public speaking as a weeklong intensive class in the summer. I was able to get up and speak to that very small group of people about something I knew at the time: scrapbooking. I just happened to be scrapbooking photos from the recent Greek Weekend when my husband’s fraternity brothers had been home visiting and participating in the games. I stuck to a relatable topic and my palms didn’t sweat….much.

 

Grey areas in life force us to consider our views as well as those of others. They can be difficult to navigate because the answers aren’t readily available. Even if the question is as simple as “why do I hate public speaking?” What If I decide to share my actual thoughts and feelings then someone might see them or read them? Judge them? Feeling small and unimportant is such an awful feeling. If you have ever felt it, you will do what you can to avoid it. Including putting yourself in any sort of vulnerable situation.

I learned a lot during that public speaking class. I learned to laugh at myself a little bit more. I learned some interesting things about my peers. I learned how to make homemade lollipops and curried eggs. And that “Oh The Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Suess is also my favorite children’s book.

If we step over the threshold of vulnerability and stand in the grey for just a moment, we can learn so much about ourselves. We become better for it. Stronger for it. More loving and understanding of how other people approach the grey.

A recent photo of me, stepping into vulnerability and embracing the grey (hair) during COVID-19 social distancing.