I started seeing a therapist after the loss of my father in 2014.  After experiencing a tragic loss in 2012 and the toll it took on my mental and emotional wellness I knew I couldn’t process this loss on my own. It took several sessions to get through my family history and complete my genogram (it’s quite dysfunctional, on all sides). Once we were able to start really digging in, the initial work revolved around my relationship (or lack thereof, at least prior to age 16) with my biological Dad and how that had been impacting my relationships across the board.

It was during a session in late 2015 while my therapist “Jane” and I were discussing and dissecting a recent situation that left me with a familiar feeling of worthlessness. I don’t recall all the specifics just that the situation involved someone I cared about deeply and I felt betrayed by their actions. A prevailing thought came forward…I always felt like an outsider in this relationship. I would often pander to her version of events…never wanting to make waves for fear that she too would leave me. There had always been something magical about her that I was innately drawn to. I have never been able to put my finger on it, but whatever it is drives (or drove) my need for her acceptance and love. At any cost. Toward the end of this session Jane looked at me and said “I’ve been seeing you for over a year now. We have discussed your family, your friends and your life in general. When are you going to STOP giving loyalty where loyalty ISN’T deserved?” My breath hitched; I was totally caught off guard, hit with reality like a Mack truck.  I didn’t have an answer.  I think I stammered an “I don’t know” and made my appointment for the next session. I left her office that day completely dumbstruck. How could I have NOT seen this?

On my drive home I called my grandmother (this was a regular ritual for me…to call her after a therapy session; she is my person) and chatted with her about the day. Then I turned on the radio and as the music faded into the background the “L” word kept sneaking its way to the forefront of my thoughts. I was quiet as I came home, continuing to digest this new-to-me idea. How many people had I shown loyalty to that didn’t reciprocate? How many times had I prioritized others needs or wants over my own self-worth? How often had I dropped whatever I was doing to be there for someone else? How many times had I accepted absolute shit behavior from someone and been thankful for the scraps? Many. Too many. The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became. And angrier I became. All these years. I thought I was just being a good person. When I was actually impersonating a doormat. Shame began to wash over me. Not only had I been a doormat, but those who had been allowed to drag their dirty shoes and shitty behavior all over me KNEW I was a doormat. They knew I would pacify. They knew I would show up. No matter the betrayal.

I have worked hard to set an example for my daughters of the kind of woman they can aspire to. A woman who is compassionate and empathetic. A woman who doesn’t need to rely on a partner to support her; who isn’t afraid to chase her educational and career goals. Who has a strong moral compass and convictions. A woman who supports other women and their aspirations. To be loving and loyal. Ashamed, I knew I had failed to teach them to value their self-worth. I had preached it enough, sure. But I hadn’t LED by EXAMPLE {Insert facepalm here}.  So NOW what? I have spent years encouraging my girls to be kind, be compassionate, to consider they may not know what the other person is going through….to their detriment. I had to figure out a way to continue moving through this season of realization and grief and how to start a different conversation on the other side.

This was so tough for me. For several reasons. I’ll quickly unpack a few for you. First, I had been so busy serving myself up as a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister etc. that I had zero idea where I may have lost my voice. I had become so enmeshed in being the person everyone else needed me to be that I lost myself. Second, I had a significant anger issue as a teenager…. not enough to land me in the juvenile justice system (that’s really only a technicality….because I didn’t get caught). My first instinct when I am emotionally or mentally injured had always been to protect myself or lash out physically. I have trained myself not to react this way anymore…but the instinct is still there. Third, I had a very real fear of abandonment (left over from my childhood; for perspective, I have an ACES score of 9. If you haven’t heard of the ACES instrument, Google it).  For me, loyalty and fear of abandonment were two sides of the same coin. What if I stood my ground and asserted myself and the other person walked away? What would that say about me? My worthiness was directly connected to the way others treated me. This wasn’t’ going to be easy…

And it wasn’t. It still isn’t. Just like every other human being I am a work in progress. In order to move through that season, I had to have some very tough conversations with people that I love very much and establish some boundaries. I had to speak my truth about feeling betrayed. And while the other party acknowledged how I felt, at the end of it all they felt that they had done nothing wrong. Another important lesson for me.  You can’t make other people see the error of their ways or the direction that the wind blows. However, you CAN adjust your own sails, know that your boat is unsinkable and face the storm head on.

Have my relationships changed as a result of that season? 100% I definitely say “no” more often now. I am much more comfortable telling people exactly what I think or feel rather than being a pacifist. I don’t ask “how high” when someone says “JUMP” and I screen my calls. Regularly. Most of the time I pick up. But if I don’t want to, then I don’t. Simple. I still love those close to me deeply. I would be there in a true emergency if needed…but the day-to-day drama …. I just don’t have the time for it now. I have found that my loyalty is most needed and appreciated right under my own roof. So, to all my fellow people who struggle with over acceptance of poor behavior and being thankful for scraps of attention thrown their way… I challenge you to consider, why give loyalty where loyalty isn’t deserved?